I grew up in a family where "yes mam" and "no sir" were automatic, holding the door for others was always expected and my dad would hit my hand with a spoon if my fingers touched my food. Manners are and have always been second nature to me. I agree with Forni, Carter, and all other civility activists that manners are important and necessary in society today.
However, I think there is a line between being polite and being artificial. It is a blurry line but one that I have just begun to notice through our readings from Forni and Carter that have made me question the authenticity of my “polite” behavior.
Hypothetically speaking, you are happily driving down Central Expressway in the center lane. In your rear view mirror you notice a speeding car that is weaving in and out of traffic. The car comes up your left side and quickly moves over into your lane without using their blinker. Thankfully you hit the breaks in time otherwise this car would have clipped the front of your car and sent you straight into the right line with oncoming traffic.
Would it really be uncivil to honk and flip the driver the finger? Or would you consider the civility movement and think, “even though that driver could have potentially just killed me, I am going to smile and wave as I drive past him because that would be the civil thing to do”.
The reason why I think people enjoy talk show hosts like Glen Beck or even Simon Cowel is because it is refreshing to hear the truth every now and then. We don’t live in Pleasantville. We live in a world where people are going to talk too loud at restaurants and be short with the Starbucks guy because you just got laid off.
Forni says that people are lacking self-restraint these days but sometimes you shouldn’t have to restrain yourself from being honest. When answering a question, I have found myself asking, “do I tell the truth or should I be polite?” even though we are always supposed to tell the truth.
I am not saying that I am not guilty of this behavior. I tell my friend that the dress looks great on her. I tell my mom that I love every single one of my Christmas presents (even the ugly sweater). After he asks me how I am doing, I ask the mailman the same question even if I don’t care. I even compliment an acquaintance on her shoes even though they don’t match and I don’t like them. Should I only say things I mean or should I practice civility?
I have come to the ironic and humorous realization that acting civil is almost synonymous with acting fake. However, I do believe that everyone should act with respect, compassion and selflessness towards others. If only we lived in a world where it was genuine rather than artificial.
In the Central Expressway situation you describe, I would refrain from flipping the finger because I don't think it would do any good. Just making the other driver mad at you isn't going to make him (or her--I don't mean to suggest that males are the aggressors out there on the road) more careful the next time they change lanes. A beep of the horn would be appropriate, though, to make sure the person knows there was a close call. Your blog post also raises the "white lie" topic. I mean, why tell someone that you don't like a gift. But if someone genuinely seeks out your opinion about some item of clothes or perfume and you know they are not just fishing for a compliment, you should give them your honest opinion--"Yes those pants do make your butt look fat, Mom." Signed, The Manners Maven
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